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20 THINGS ADOPTION PODCAST with Sherrie Eldridge
Many adoptive, foster, stepmoms, and grandmothers are suffering in silence. No one in the world of adoption is giving them the tools for recovery. No one is teaching them how to handle adoptee pushback and rejection. No one is wrapping arms around them and praying when all they can do is cry.
When moms realize the unknown depth of their child’s trauma, a common reaction is self-doubt. If she doesn’t know what happened, how can she find words to help her child process it? It’s terrifying, like climbing Everest without ropes.
She's so self-doubting that she almost always concludes that she doesn't have what it takes to parent her child. Truth be known, she looks over the cliffs of depression more times than she'd care to admit.
- I’m a loser mom.
- I can’t self-regulate, let alone teach my child to do the same.
- I can’t attach with my child...and I never will have it.
- I am inept as a mom.
- I can’t even decide whether to have a peanut butter sandwich.
- I’m a mess.
- I don’t have what it takes.
- I’m a lousy mom.
- I hate myself.
- I’ll never be able to meet my child’s need for mothering.
The good news is that the dream can be reshaped, and in that painful space, God does His most sacred work by meeting us in our brokenness, holding our hearts, and gently replanting hope.
Stay tuned for upcoming podcasts and updates about my upcoming book.
20 THINGS ADOPTION PODCAST with Sherrie Eldridge
The Trauma Wound of Adoptive and Foster Moms
Not only must adoptive and foster moms understand the depth of their child’s pre-adoption pain, but also their own trauma wound. “What wound?” they may say. “My child is the one with the deep wound, not me. Don’t be ridiculous.”
Adoptive moms may be offended or defensive when told they have a trauma wound. Adoptive mom says—I think many people can experience defensiveness or protectiveness about our woundedness. To be comfortable disclosing ourselves authentically requires safety. Safe people are hard to find. Additionally, we may be conscious of the adoption “label” that can be put on our kids, in that adoption can sometimes erroneously be viewed as the root of the problem, when in reality, it may be something far different. Disclosing our wound requires some level of risk and discernment before taking that risk. Otherwise, there is a chance of being hurt more by insensitive comments, judgment, and/or blame. It’s not easy to navigate the path of transparency, especially if you’re already limping along. Who needs to have their good leg shot out from underneath?”
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Not only must you understand the depth of your child’s wound, but also your own. “What wound?” you may say. “My child is the one with the deep wound, not me. Don’t be ridiculous.”
Adoptive moms may be offended or defensive about this topic:
Adoptive mom, Barb Butz,says, “I think many people can experience defensiveness or protectiveness about our woundedness. To be comfortable disclosing ourselves authentically requires safety. Safe people are hard to find. Additionally, we may be conscious of the adoption “label” that can be put on our kids, in that adoption can sometimes erroneously be viewed as the root of the problem, when in reality, it may be something far different. Disclosing our wound requires some level of risk and discernment before taking that risk. Otherwise, there is a chance of being hurt more by insensitive comments, judgment, and/or blame. It’s not easy to navigate the path of transparency, especially if you’re already limping along. Who needs to have their good leg shot out from underneath?”
Pam Mittenberger adds,“I believe I was defensive. Trying to defend my job as a mom. Not many understand the dynamics within adoption...especially with moms, so it was hard for them to understand. Some did, but not all. I tried to explain what was going on but it’s not enough unless someone has been there or seen it before. I so often tried to explain and defend myself hoping others would understand me and know how hard I was trying. I was given books on parenting. Parenting biological, well-adjusted kids was not the same as what I was going through. A lot of family and friends didn’t understand how they were manipulated by my kids. They didn’t understand that you can love and not blame the children but still not attack the parenting. I found a lot of people wanted to swoop in and save our situation. I know they cared but it was often motivated by a need to make themselves feel more important, or a better parent. I never figured out how to stop this and seek out people that supported our whole family unit. When you’re living under so much stress, it’s hard to see clearly and understand yourself--let alone help others understand.”
Yes, your child is wounded, but you are also, no matter how strong, no matter how hard you’re trying to be a great mom. This needs to be validated and grieved.
