Adoptee Julie Ryan McGue's Search for Origins

What could be more exciting than to be an adopted person and find the family that you never knew existed? 

All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge

Transcript

Hey friends, I'm coming to you from a very snowy Indiana day, but it's equally beautiful and you know, it's that season where I think sitting in front of the fireplace is almost as good as being at the beach. And so anyway, I'm enjoying the winter and today I am just very excited to introduce a fellow adoptee to you.

Her name is Julie Ryan McGue, and she is an author, a domestic adoptee, and identical twin. She writes extensively about finding out who you are, where you belong, and making sense of all of that stuff. Julie's debut memoir called Twice Adopted a Search for Identity, family, and Belonging from She Writes Press, released in May, 2021.

It's a story of her five year search for birth relatives, her weekly blogs. Called Bat Girl, This Life, and her monthly column at the Beecher Focus on Identity, Family, and Life's Quirky Moments. She was born in Chicago, Illinois, and Julie received a B. A. from Indiana University. Yay! In Psychology. She earned a Master's in Marketing from the Kellogg Graduate School of Business.

Northwestern University, she has served multiple terms on the board of the Midwest Adoption Center and is an active member of the American Adoption Congress. She's been married for over 35 years, and with her husband, they split their time between the Northwest, Indiana cold that I described, and Sarasota, Florida.

She's the mother of four adult children and has three grandsons. If she's not at your computer, she's on the tennis court or out exploring with her Nikon camera. Julie is currently working on a collection of personal essays, and for more information, you can go to her website, which I will have listed at the end of this podcast.

So, Julie, welcome! 

Well, thank you, Sherry, for having me. I've been following you for quite some time when your book came out, 20 Things Adoptees Wish They Knew. It's really a nice thing to be with you today and talk about all things adoption. 

Yes, and as fellow adoptees, I mean, just being in one another's presence is a gift, isn't it?

It is. You and I have exchanged a lot of emails, but one of the things that we agreed we wanted to talk about is how adoptees support one another and Part of the support for, in my first book, Twice a Daughter, that I talk about is being an identical twin and the role that my sister and I played in that search, I had a breast biopsy and that sort of opened up the whole conversation of, wow, we know nothing.

My sister was healthy and my parents, adoptive parents, had kept our adoption papers. So the first part of the journey was actually asking them for the adoption papers and my sister supported it. We got rolling. 

I'm curious, was she as avid about looking for the truth as you were? I mean, is that kind of a twin phenomenon that happens?

Really, what a twin phenomenon is, is this sort of passenger driver relationship. So usually one of us is in the driver's seat, the other one says, okay, I'm going wherever you're going. So that was what happened with the search. She knew that I needed the health history to see if we had breast cancer in our background.

And she certainly wanted to know. Between us, we had six kids and we felt an obligation to get more information for them. And so she was a big support, as was Catholic Charities, who was our adoption agency. In Chicago, they have a post adoption support group through the post adoption services department.

So I very quickly joined that group, which is made up of adoptees, birth moms, and adoptive parents. And it was really fundamental in me understanding the conflicts and rejection I got initially from my birth mom. And I think it was very key in gaining compassion and empathy for all the things that she went through.

It did certainly help a lot. Yeah, you say rejection. Did your first mother reject you? 

She did. When we first reached out, it was out of the blue and she shut us down and said, no, I don't want anything to do with them. And the, I was working with an intermediary at the time and under judges court order, she was given a medical history form to fill out.

She complied and she sent it back. She would not provide my birth father's name at that time. And then about six months passed by and she changed her mind about contact. And we started writing letters and sharing pictures and we did meet and we've been in reunion for about 15 years. Wow, what a story. I appreciate you sharing the rejection part of it because I think that's quite common for adoptees to experience rejection and you give hope that maybe the birth mother will start to heal and come along the same path with you, right?

Right. It's not smooth sailing, Sherry, as you know, and I'm sure other adoptees have shared. They have a lot of, uh, fears to get over and she had been an unwed mother in the fifties and sixties. So she, she had a lot of shame and she certainly didn't want to tell her family cause they had never found out.

So we had a lot of obstacles to go through before she introduced us to her family. But you're strong. I mean, you could make it through. I can tell you're very strong and that's so cool. Yeah, thanks. 

I'm curious about the resources a support group used that you joined and that was so helpful to you. Do they have materials or do they just have support with talking and sharing?

What was that like? All of that. It's led by a social worker. We're in a circle and share our story and where we are in our journey and trying to make connection with our lost relatives. There's plenty of resource materials, handouts, and a reading list for people to take advantage of. And when COVID hit, we met on screen, which was really nice to be able to have that continuity.

I'm still involved. There's sort of a passing of the baton, if you will. In the sense that those of us that are outside of the search cycle stay involved to support the folks that are coming through, I think it is always gratifying to still be involved in that group. 

Oh, I bet. Yeah. Those are friendships will probably last a lifetime.

Yeah. A lot of issues come out in that. I think that was one of the questions we wanted to discuss is. You know, what holds adoptees back from their search? And in my case, I had a very loving family. My sister and I were the oldest. My parents adopted a brother that was two years younger. And then they had three biological kids.

So we grew up in a very blended family. But I would say that the three oldest of us that were adopted. We were a little pack, you know, a little tribe, there was this, this, um, knowing amongst us that, um, you know, we didn't know where we came from or why we were placed for adoption, but we got each other. I really think that having been adopted with a full sibling, in my case, was a tremendous gift.

Catholic Charities had a history of keeping multiples together. But one of the things that always comes out in those conversations is this fear of being disloyal to your adoptive parents by going down this path. So a lot of people that wait, they just wait until their parents are deceased. And some people just don't want the problems associated with the search and what might be on the other side.

And I think there's also that, uh, philosophy that, well, I was given away once already, why would I go back to the well that's empty? So, there's a lot of reasons I think that adoptees don't search or they delay searching. In my case, I didn't have the luxury of it because I had this health issue. And I often wonder if I really would have searched had it not been for that.

I was almost 50 years old when I went down this path. 

Well, we've got a lot of curiosity, don't we, as adoptees? We do. When we know that we can get at the information, it's a lot easier to make that decision. Closed adoption doesn't afford you with much help. 

Yes, and you were born in Illinois, right? Right.

So, as, are their records still closed? 

No, in 2011, legislation was passed by Sarah Feigenholz. She's a state senator and an adoptee, and she fought very hard. So, in 2011, I had access to my original birth record, which was not helpful. Oh, it wasn't? No, because my birth mom had used an alias. And that was something that was encouraged at that time and there was no name for my birth father on the original birth record.

That was also legal back then not to provide that information. So what happened was the judge overseeing my case opened the records, meaning it required Catholic charities to provide everything that they had. And that's how we found out that my birth mom was in her twenties and That she was Catholic and my birth father was Protestant and that was part of the issue between them.

Him not wanting to convert or. Oh, I see. Yes. Religious reasons. Religious reasons. And, um, you had asked me a question by email and I want to respond to that. I found out several things about both sides of the family. One was that my birth mom, my great, great grandfather was a Messianic Jewish rabbi. It was astounding to see the pictures of him.

He had an amazing beard, which was a curiosity for me because my son can grow that same kind of beard. So that did get passed down, that very full beard. So that was interesting. When they came to the United States, they came down through Minnesota and settled with the Mennonites. And that's how they became more Christian oriented.

But I also found out that my birth father is, uh, Chippewa. So there's Native American on that side of the family. So there were a bit of surprises that came out, and none of which came through on AncestryDNA or 23andMe. Those places were not helpful to me in the beginning, because the database was not really built up at that point.

So I was only matching with third, fourth, fifth cousins, and it wasn't very helpful. And interestingly enough, I did find a half brother and half sister, but they would not have been signed up for that either. So the searching that we did with a genealogist turned all of that up, which was great, great fun.

Okay, so you didn't use Ancestry. com that much, can you give us a tip about how to find a genealogist to help further search past the Ancestry. com findings? You can go on the National Genealogy Society. And it'll show by state the genealogists that are available and then also by city. So I got lucky because the one that I used in Minnesota, there was only one and she was right where I needed her to be in Rochester, Minnesota.

She was also an adoptee. So she was completely invested in the process. And she's the one who really tracked down my birth father and finished the story, as we say. 

So did you ever get to meet your birth father? I did not. He, uh, chose not to meet us either in the beginning. And my brother and sister, Thought that they could eventually convince him and four years went by and he had a massive heart attack and died.

So I never did get to meet him. Oh dear. 

I think it's, uh, it's a verse in the Bible that says God holds the secret things in his hands. And some of those things as adoptees, I mean, it's okay. We're not going to know everything, right? When we search. 

But it is disappointing to not be able to make that physical connection and see them face to face.

The siblings are what make it really worthwhile, and I think you've had other conversations with adoptees. I think they're more accepting. They don't have the baggage that they bring to the relationship. They're curious. In my case, at the end of Twice a Daughter, that my first book, I share how I connected to my brother, which is an astounding connection.

And I think that really launched our relationship, the fact that we had a mutual connection with one another. 

Wonderful. Well, you wrote a second book. Can you tell us about that? Sure. You alluded to it in your intro. I have been writing blogs and essays and publishing articles since Twice a Daughter came out in 2021.

And so the second book, Belonging Matters, is a collection of those essays. They're about adoption, things that happened after I wrote the book, a tough conversations with my adoptive parents and my birth mom, different circumstances. Things that trigger adoptees is another essay and there's also essays about family and kinship.

Many adoptees like me and you, we have relationships with other people beyond adoptive families and our birth families. So I talk about those border relationships. Like my parents had a wonderful couple that we called aunt and uncle, but they were not. And, uh, but they were still special to us. So that's the focus of that book.

Well, I can't help but think that maybe both your first book and this one would be great material for a support group, for an adoption support group. It would be for adoptive parents, right? I mean, you cover everything. Yes. 

That was one of the reasons I wrote Twice a Daughter in the first place. Not so much for myself, but the story is crazy.

It reads like fiction, but it's also like a how to book for adoptees that have tried so many things. What might you try next? So I hope that it's helpful in that respect. That 

is wonderful. That is a much needed resource in the world of adoption. It really is. I just went to a support group and thought as we were talking what a wonderful resource it would be to just be able to take a paragraph or whatever from your first or second book and just throw it out there and let people digest and comment and tell their own experiences.

Yeah, and I think we reached common ground when we have a little topic to deal with. One that seems to resonate with the community is, you know, those holidays are always a triggering point for us because we realize the family who maybe we are not in touch with or has rejected us, but so are other events like family reunions.

I have an essay in Belonging Matters about that. Very triggering. We enjoy, I enjoyed going to my adoptive family's reunions, but I was very cognizant that this was not my biological family's reunion, it was my adoptive family's, and interestingly enough, on the other side of that, my birth family, as generous as some of them have been with welcoming my sister and I, we have not been invited to any of those family reunions.

And, uh, I think that it might not happen until my birth mother passes. I think there's some resistance by the old guard, certainly a respect out of her. She doesn't really welcome a lot of scrutiny around the issue of having two daughters that she placed for adoption. So it's tricky business all the way around.

It is very tricky and it's, it's painful for everybody involved. Because we're broken, you know, we're broken and trying to find the pieces. I think you said you write about discovering who you are and where you come from, all the while trying to make sense of it all. I love that. That's so true. It doesn't make sense.

No, it doesn't. And I think if you're not inside the adoption circle, you don't understand the issues and how complicated it is. And certainly, I don't think my kids really got it. They saw that I seemed to be well adjusted, and they, you know, certainly know my twin sister very well. But when the book came out, I gave a copy to all of my kids, and I happened to be with my son.

And he's an adult, he's in his thirties and he was reading it and I looked over it. I mean, he was crying and he said, you know, mom, I just had no idea all of this was involved in your adoption and your search. So we do a gift to people by talking about it. Your podcast today, the conversation that we're trying to have with adoptees, putting out books, the support group systems, the more we talk about it, I think the people that aren't.

Touched by adoption. Get a better idea of what's at stake. 

Yes, absolutely. And I see that you are involved in the American Adoption Congress. Is that right? I'm a member. I'm not so much involved with them anymore. I do a lot of board work. I was very involved with the Midwest Adoption Center, which is the program that runs the intermediaries that help adoptees search for their lost relatives, but I'm also involved in another adoption agency, the American Center for Family Building.

And what's so interesting about that is the number of adoptions in this country are going way down. And one of the factors involved is in vitro fertilization, so IVF, and surrogacy. I'm not quite sure how the change in Roe v. Wade is going to affect if there's more babies available for adoption, but it's a really interesting time to be talking about adoption with the landscape that's out there.

So is that what you kind of see for your future? I mean, you've written the two books, so would that describe your future, right? Yeah, I will definitely stay involved in that group. I've got another book that I am completing. And it comes out in February of next year. A lot of my readers really fell in love with the characters in Twice the Daughter and the story and they asked for more.

They wanted to know what it felt like to grow up as a twin and an adoptee in a blended family. And so this next book is what happens, the prequel to Twice the Daughter. So it's called Twice the Family. And, uh, I'm very close to giving it to the publisher and, uh, takes a whole year for a book to come out.

It's an astounding process how it takes so long. 

Yes, it does. And the deadlines are, as we get older, they're hard to meet. Yes. Yes. You're right. Well, if there's a struggling adoptee listening to us right now. just maybe depressed or a lot of anxiety about their, where they're at, or sadness. What would you say to them to encourage them?

Well, we are so fortunate right now with the online support systems that are available. So, you know, while I would say read a lot of books, because there's so many great books, Nancy Verrier's book, The Primal Wound, your book, 20 Things Adoptees would like to know. There's a lot of. Great reading. One of my favorites and probably yours, Ann Fessler's book, The Girls That Went Away, shed a lot of light on the circumstances that birth mothers went through back in Roe v.

Wade era. But there are so many groups online to get involved in and lots of great podcasts. Beyond those things, I would contact your adoption agency, like I did with Catholic Charities, and see if they have a post adoption support group that you could join. And um, all of those things would be wonderful resources for somebody struggling.

I guess the last thing I wanted to ask you, Julie, is about faith. I hear faith coming through your story a lot. It's so positive, so filled with light. Can you share with us your story of faith? I'd be happy to. I was raised Catholic. That certainly is fundamental. There are certain synchronicities in life, I think, that lead you to believing that we're being guided in certain directions.

Here's a sweet little story. My sister and I were born on February 11th, and that happens to be the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. When my parents were first married, they had many, many miscarriages. My dad was stationed in Germany with the army, and they took a little side trip to Lourdes, France to say a prayer, to build a family.

They came back to the United States and started the adoption process. And one day my mom opened her missile after putting us down for a nap and discovered that our birthday coincided with Feast of Our Lady of Lords. So I think, you know, those little gems sort of guide you to thinking, well, I wouldn't go so far to say that things happen for a reason.

I think we're being guided in certain directions. Like my breast biopsy leading me down this path. Who knew? I mean, a breast biopsy leads to writing books. How does that happen? I don't know. Yeah, right. But I also have a positive attitude. I see the glass half full and really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, which I think that generosity kind of helps us get through a lot of adversity.

So, thank you so much, Julie, for taking time to talk with me this afternoon. I wish you all the best in your third book. 

Thank you, Sherry. That's so exciting. As a fellow adoptee friend, I'm so proud of you. 

Well, fellow author, too. Thank you. It's a great connection. Thanks for having me on.