Virginia Wells: Addressing Grief and Loss in Adoption

In this conversation, Sherrie Eldridge interviews Virginia Wells, an adoptive mom and author, about her experiences and insights. They discuss the challenges of adoptive parenting, the importance of preparation and realistic expectations, and the power of prayer. Virginia shares her own journey as an adoptive mom and offers advice for prospective adoptive parents. She also talks about her upcoming book, which covers topics such as grief, identity, and self-care in the context of adoption. Overall, the conversation highlights the need for support, understanding, and a compassionate approach to adoption.

All Rights Reserved. @sherrieeldridge

Transcript

Good morning, friends and adoption and family and adoptions. So glad to be with you again. Thank you for tuning into this podcast. I'm just so excited this morning because I have a new friend to introduce to you. And let me just tell you about her. Her name is Virginia Wells. Her friends call her Ginny. So she's given me permission to call her Ginny.

Absolutely. Let me just tell you how we met. We met in an interesting way because she contacted me about using some of my writing for her upcoming book. The contact didn't happen right away. I was too busy. I finally called her back about dinnertime. One day she wanted to know about my nonprofit, the jewel among jewels, whether it was located in Indianapolis.

We talked for a few minutes. She shared her story with me about being an adoptive mom. And I was just so taken by her story and what she has learned as an adoptive mom. I just really think you're going to be blessed by hearing her story. Welcome, Jenny. Let me just tell the audience about your credentials.

Jenny is dedicated to supporting distressed parents, both spiritually and emotionally. Her passion has compelled her to author a book titled, Praying for a Wounded Child, encouragement and prayers for you and the child you love. And this is going to be released in the fall. You will be able to follow her on a special Facebook page that will be posted on the information with this podcast to sign up so that you will know when that's coming out and follow her thoughts that probably are in the book.

Jenny and her husband are parents to three adult children. The first one is a child formerly adopted from a war zone as a toddler. The second was adopted as a toddler from third world Asia country. And then a biological child who works in medicine with special needs and inner city children. Wow. That's something to really be proud of.

And so obviously Ginny is a woman that likes to take on a challenge. so much. She's not afraid of a challenge, and so I love that about her heart. She has a bachelor's degree in journalism and was previously honored to co author an award winning book for the Air Force. Wow. She's licensed as a social worker.

She also has a master's degree in mental health counseling. She recently retired from hospital chaplaincy and formerly worked there as a therapist. Wow. having a deep heart and concern for struggling families. So that's her heart. What a beautiful heart. And then, you know, this is really interesting because at age 12, she felt called by God to help wounded children when she learned about her mother's kinship adoption.

So her mom was adopted. I would love to do a podcast with Jenny just on that because I don't know if I could ever get my daughters to talk about what it's like to grow up with an adopted mom, but I'm sure she has some insights to offer there too. Again, welcome, Jenny, and I'm just so glad to have you on board.

Let's just begin by talking about your children. Share your story first. Yes. Well, thank you so much for wanting to hear my story and thank you so very much for allowing me to be here. I just feel so deeply honored. Your book, 20 Things, was a book I read and reread. It was monumental. In some ways, I feel like I've known you for a long, long time.

I do have three children, and I think today I'll just share about one of the stories. This is a story of a son that we adopted from a war zone. Basically, I do remember reflecting quite a bit when we got him, and actually, to be very honest, crying late at night when nobody was around, and if I had the strength just to journal.

In a Christmas newsletter, I remember writing that our son had made the third world reality to us, and he also seemed like a miracle in progress. I totally feel for the challenges that adoptive moms and foster moms may face. The pictures they give you of the children, as the picture they gave us of our son, look beautiful.

They're adorable. You know, who would not want to bring them into their home? The reality is there's more often than not so much trauma that gets acted out in various ways. We dealt with trauma later, a bit later. We had to deal with our son's medical needs first. He had intense giardia, which is intestinal parasites, and so there was an enormous amount of cleaning, disinfecting, and that sort of thing to get him free of those parasites.

It's very common in the third world. This due, of course, to contaminated water. He was like a child from Biafra. He had distended stomach and matchstick legs. I remember a doctor crying when he saw our son, and it actually endeared me. I just felt connected to that doctor. So those were the medical challenges initially, then came other challenges obviously as well with trauma.

If you starve a child, if you don't hold a child, if a child gets yelled at, scorned, especially in those, that crucial first year of life, it does affect them neurologically. And when they're affected neurologically, it affects learning. I'm no expert on neurology, but my understanding is that it especially affects speech and language development.

Many of the imprints our kids hear, the words they hear, the tone of voice. All of that is imprinted on their psyche and it will affect them with a crucial building block of reading and speaking normally. Are you talking about pre adoption words that they've heard or words that they hear after adoption when you speak to them?

Oh, what a good question. I think hopefully before a person adopts, there's realism by the social workers, where the social worker tries to prepare the child for trauma. The trauma often is obviously not realized until you bring the child home, but any kind of preparation that a social worker can give is helpful.

And I would also encourage parents to look up whatever they could on childhood trauma and the effects of it. Much of it is linked to grief, and as you've cited in your book, a baby, an infant, feels a deep loss, a deep grief that they cannot express in words. Anyways, our son could not really talk until age three.

He was diagnosed with a severe language delay, a severe speech delay. The school then told me after he was in kindergarten, I think about to enter first grade, that he may not ever talk normally or speak normally. For me, those were fighting words that we had to do some help, do something. And he does both now, you know, a miracle to the glory of God.

When he was released from speech therapist, it was so sweet. The speech therapist said, now he can have his own talk show. That was wonderful. God can perform miracles and just very briefly on that whole subject, I prayed, I did not know what to do. I'm the kind of person that there's a problem, I make lists, I try to find ways to solve it.

I did not know how to solve that one. But in answer to prayer, just briefly, I ran into someone who was a cleft palate mom. Our son also had a cleft palate and she advised me to take whatever the speech therapist was doing. In fact, to assertively ask for lessons and to work with our son at least once a day, if not more.

So I worked with him for about eight years, and that helped in addition to the once a week speech therapy. I do believe that one on one is always best in terms of learning. Now, we were able to get him to normalcy with both speech and reading. So we were able to conquer a lot of learning issues, and I was so thankful for that.

One question I have is how can prospective adoptive parents or prospective foster parents A lot of the research that I did showed that they didn't feel prepared, they didn't feel like they were told the truth, you know, like your child may reject you, your child may push you away, and stuff like that. Do you feel like that's being done today in our society?

I mean, these moms speaking out, which I was really proud of them, They were angry that no one had really given them the bottom line so they could decide, you know, before they signed up. What can parents do when they're working with a professional? How can they test that professional to see if they're going to tell them the absolute truth about what they may experience?

Yes, that's an outstanding question. I don't want to say to one would need to bypass a professional per se, but there's so much value in talking with another parent. If the professional could allow them to meet other parents and not just the parents who had a successful journey. The truth is so important, even to go outside the home study or whatever, to go to support groups.

Fortunately, online, I believe there are some adoption support groups as well for adoptive parents. And that if they could go there and just get the reality, they may still go through with the adoption or the foster care, but there's nothing like having your eyes wide open and to be mentally and emotionally prepared.

Absolutely. I totally agree. What I think ought to happen is there ought to be an adoptive parent boot camp. Maybe it'd be through Al Anon or whatever. Think about a Marine that goes into the service and he signs up and then he has to go to boot camp and learn what's going to be in the war before he enters the war.

Can we strip away all the facade and say, yeah, there's a, there's a war in adoption, a war against truth? How can we do that? How can we get these parents and professionals to the point where they know that they need to have the tools? What would those tools be? You know, as a social worker, what would your boot camp rules be?

I mean, how would you get them to climb over that high fence and run all those things that you have to do? What would be a few of the things, and I know I haven't asked you this prior to the thing, so if you don't want to answer, that's fine, but we're just having fun here, right? Yeah, well, I think active listening would be high on the list.

Compassionate listening, without judgment, without giving unsolicited advice, just listening to your child. I believe in light of that, that the parent should try to probe for feelings. I used to ask my kids every day at the end of school, did you feel sad, mad, glad, or scared? How was school? Or actually at other events, not necessarily school.

I would check in with them. How did that make you feel? Just those kind of questions or trying to put myself in their place. Just good active listening questions to probe their feelings because there's healing when we release our feelings. And I realized, too, that that may not be pertinent for a two year old that may not have a grasp of the language.

Sometimes hugs can be appropriate, an appropriate touch, but also one has to be very wary and very cautious of that because a lot of that could represent sexual abuse to a child. That may be a trigger for the child, right? To be touched. Exactly. Maybe ask the child if you can touch them before you do. Yes.

Yes. Exactly. Sensory integration is wonderful that way because you will be getting a child that's been deprived of that undoubtedly. I think it's so important to read your child where he's at and what his interests are. I had two boys that absolutely loved science and were high energy. So I tried to read them and allow them to do whatever on playgrounds.

Our daughter from Asia was more into crafts and arts, and to try to read your child and to try to meet where they're at, meet how they're wired. If they're wired to throw a baseball, if they're wired to run a mile, allow them to do that. That will give them joy. All of those are beautiful. I love those. Is there anything that parents should do about their expectations as they go into adoptive and foster parenting?

I guess it would kind of tie in with the preparation, but maybe even after the child arrives. Expecting big things, how do you handle that as an adoptive mom when you're being challenged? How can parents learn to curb expectations or identify and then curb expectations of their child as they bring them into the home through the growing process that you just outlined so beautifully?

Oh, thank you. Very kind. First of all, I would not have any the same expectations that they might have had with their biological child. There's also a saying I've heard that if you have expectations, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Obviously, there should be some expectations, the expectation that they're able to get up in the morning and go to school.

Their expectation that they're able to keep their room decent, that they're going to treat people that come into your home with respect. But a lot of that also needs to be learned. So your model is very important. I think when you have to discipline, talk about things, 90 percent of communication is nonverbal.

I do just encourage parents to talk very calmly and precisely, not get wordy or anything like that. Very calmly, very directly. And use as few words as possible and never say is them like you are not acceptable. We cannot tolerate this. This is not acceptable. I'm thinking of you as well as the others at our home.

We want the best for you and we know that if you continue in this behavior, you will have problems and we really want the best for you. Just framing it with their best interest, framing it calmly and clearly and looking them in the eye. And trying to, well not as well as possible, when I love to share with children, I love to give them a positive as well as the negative.

To basically say, I loved how you came down for breakfast and I loved how you brought your plate back to the kitchen sink without my asking. That was really wonderful, but we cannot have banana peels in the room. We don't want you to get sick. There might be bugs that come in your room. So we're going to ask you not to have banana peels in your room.

That's a great example. Keep a positive point as well. You're saying? Yeah. I know there are some really cool adoptive moms out there that are parents, I should say. Also dads. that are just so expecting that they will be able to help their child fulfill their life purpose. Isn't that an expectation? What if that never happens?

What if the child can never attach to you? What if the child just totally refuses any contact with you for the rest of their life? Well, I think the first thing is to identify it as a grief that they're dealing with and profound grief, deep and profound loss. And really it is a child who has to fulfill his destiny.

We can only do so much. Every day leaves choices and it is totally the child's choice. This is very hard to do and I have not mastered it by any means. if they could somehow learn to detach from their expectations. I believe, and I am very guilty of this, that some parents will go into adoption, particularly adoption of specialties kids, of difficult children, of children from hard places, desiring to be their savior, kind of like the whole idea of like you're rescuing this person.

Many times that doesn't happen, in all honesty. But a lot of times the rescuing takes a different route. Perhaps in my journey, I learned that I was rescued from not having an agenda, from letting go, from not being in control. I was the kind of person, I still am to a degree, where it's like we have a problem, okay, we'll find a solution.

The solution will work and we'll just go on our way. And to be able to release all of that to God, perhaps part of the journey is learning how to feel God's heart, to experience his sufferings. I love that. Tell us more. Well, you're very kind. I'll just go back to one thing. When I was homeschooling my son, actually he told me one morning that he does not need to obey me.

He came to the conclusion that I was not his real mother and therefore he does not need to obey me. He does not need to do anything I say and I paused and I just said, okay, I left the room because I did not have the words to be honest with you and I didn't want to get mad or I didn't, I wanted my words to be calm and clear.

So I came back and I said, yes, you're right. I'm not your, your real mother. I would have loved to have given birth to you. I would have loved to have carried you and thought of you and prayed for you, but that didn't happen obviously. But I am the mother that God gave you. And I believe that God wants you to obey me for your good, not for my good.

I want you to grow up to have a good life. And I know that you need to do these things in order to have a good life. I'm thinking of you here. That is kind of a childhood example per se. I know in our journey, our son once left with his pusher. I'll be honest with you. And I did not know if I'd ever see him again.

And I was journaling like crazy, reminding God, do you know how long I homeschooled? You know, reminding God, you know, I could have done a lot of other things, really pouring out my heart to God. And, but my son came back. which I praise God for and I recognize that that is not always the case, but our Father God has dealt with prodigals.

He's dealt with rejection. He's dealt with people who he's loved and blessed basically to die him. We have the opportunity, which I guess in China they consider challenges to be opportunities. We have the opportunity to potentially grow like Christ in this journey, to taste a splinter of the cross.

Beautiful. I love that. The Fellowship of the Sufferings of Christ. Yes. Yes. From Philippians 3. 10. Yes. So, Virginia, you shared with me after we talked a portion of your writing about how your prayer life changed when you were parenting a child that was having extreme challenges. Can you share a little bit about that?

Oh, sure. I would love to. First, I'd like to just share a couple of scriptures. In the book of Job, it says, I have heard of thee by the hearing of my ear, but now my eye sees thee. So a lot of times when we're in trials and adversity, we see and we know God is never before. There's an old saying that says the tallest tree grows in the valley.

There's also, Peter also said, I think it's in John six, like, Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life. Yes, absolutely. Regarding my prayer life, I felt that I had to explore prayer because I didn't have a lot left. My education wasn't working, my desire to find resources and network and all that kind of thing.

It wasn't working either. So, I was like, Peter, Lord, to whom shall we go? One of the keys I would encourage people to follow through on is this, if at all possible to try to find a prayer partner, someone who will pray with you, perhaps even weekly. The person does not necessarily have to be an adoptive mom or dad, but rather a person of understanding and empathy, and just make an enormous difference.

I honestly also called prayer chains like K Love and Air One when I'm very desperate. And I remember when things were going really bad, I did what I call a prayer blitz where I contacted a lot of radio stations and I asked them to pray. My son had run away and he came back. I was driven on my knees. It helped me to experience Christ more and more.

Like Job said. I also would encourage people to look at this scripture as well. It's Luke 2 52 and it says how Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and with man. Sometimes it's very helpful to pray physically, socially, mentally, and spiritually for your child. There have been times like I don't even know where to begin, but just to look at those four areas physically, obviously for protection, spiritually, just that they would have a heart for God.

socially, that that God would hedge them in if they can't draw boundaries with wrong friends, that God would draw boundaries for them, that he was to handpick decent friends mentally, that they would be well mentally, that they would have wisdom, that they would not hate themselves or hate what they've done.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a power of love and a sound mind. I also ask crying out for wisdom. It's a smart thing to do. We're encouraged to do that as well and to also examine your own heart before you go to God to purge and purify your heart, to forgive your child if you need, to forgive the birth mother.

We forgive maybe a family member who might not understand and give you unsolicited advice. Forgiveness kind of can cushion us to go into God's heart. It can kind of release us from the things we're holding and help us to get into God's heart for our child. Yes, I believe that there's such deep hate Self hate in the heart of most, I won't say every, but most adopted, orphaned, abandoned children, the self worth is not there.

I mean, it's just impossible to have self worth when you're so full of self hate, because then that gets projected to the mom and the dad. That mom and the dad think it's about them, but it's not about them, really. I believe that the only way that adoptees can gain true self worth is to see themselves through God's eyes.

Yes. So Virginia, tell us about your book. I want to hear all about it. Oh, thank you very much. Actually, first, I'd like to just make a comment. I think you nailed it with the whole area of self esteem. Our identity is vital. Our identity in Christ is vital. We can't fulfill our destiny basically, like you mentioned about that parent wanting their child to fulfill their destiny unless we believe properly of who we are and especially that we see ourselves through Christ's eyes.

Briefly about my book, I begin the book by trying to just purge and purify our hearts before God, dealing with forgiveness, looking at the story of Hagar and Sarah, and just being able to realize that God is present. And then I go into various means of way and ways of praying through adversity, such as praying the scriptures, the Luke 2 52 prayer.

praying and fasting. And then I go into just praying for the family, which is very vital. Praying for the birth mother, praying for siblings. If you bring an adopted child in with a biological sibling, there may be conflict. This biological sibling may feel slighted. They may feel misunderstood. And there may be comparisons with the adoption, adopted child and the biological child both ways.

I have prayers and some ideas about siblings and, um, also single parenting. And then I go from there on to things like identity and education. And then I go into a lot of the harder topics like abandonment, incarceration. Some of our kids come from parents that have been incarcerated, neglect, abuse. I go into some of that from a social worker's perspective and then I also give scriptures and prayers.

Finally, I conclude with just very specific prayers for our children with identity being way up there and then prayers for ourselves because self care is so vital. Self care is paramount. We can't give from an empty bucket. One of the things I do stress or do share is reaching out because we're not to be like lone soldiers.

And I honestly have reached out to hotlines such as VoiceTown Parenting Hotline, staffed by licensed counselors. They have dealt with kids that have come from hard places. That is an excellent resource when you're stuck. Just even talking to other hotlines of that nature or prayer lines, just to know that you're not alone and to be affirmed in your journey.

So those you will offer those resources in your book. Yes, exactly. You'll tell what has worked for you. I hear very strongly and I think this is a missing in the world of adoption. You understand deep grief and how to deal with it and I don't think there's much writing in the world of adoption, maybe clinically, but spiritually about grief and how to work through it, and will that be included in your book as well?

Yes, there is in the abandonment section, for sure. Well, I am very excited for this book and it's going to be released in the fall, right? Yes, by redemption for us. Yes. Okay. And so let's just even verbalize right now the name of your Facebook page that you're starting so people can follow you and keep in touch about the book and keep in touch with you because of your incredible ministry here.

What is it going to be called? Okay, it's newly started. I had to have help from my kids. It's simply titled Virginia Wells, author. I would be delighted if you would go there and check it out. Well, I'm sure there will be people that will follow you and I'm very excited about all that will open up because of that.

And I think it's so important that a compassionate view of the adoption journey is given. And you provide that. And so, thank you so much for talking with me today, and I wish you all the best with your new book and all the opportunities that will come as a result of that book. And love to your family, especially your children.

Thank you. Thank you for listening to the 20 Things Adoption Podcast. If you can think of friends or family that would benefit from this information, feel free to share. See you next time.